Don’t Kiss, Tell All- A Short Tale of 4 AM at a Frat House

“Why won’t you kiss me? Come on,” a boy said with a mouthful of Hot Pockets on a Sunday morning, or, rather, a Saturday night that had not yet ended. The girl looked at the boy; his arm was around her with one hand on her waist and the other clutching the precious plate of Hot Pockets. They sat together on a stiff, old, and well-used couch amidst remains of food, discarded Halloween decorations and a broken black light. It was the first of November.

“Come on, gimme a kiss, “ he continued after another bite of the cheesy 4 am treat. She was not about to become another one of his 4 am treats. She wasn’t nearly drunk enough for that. In fact, she was almost sober.

“Ha. Nope,” the girl responded with a sly smile. “You’re funny.” She threw cereal at his puckered lips. This much satisfied her.  The rest of the scene did not.

Across the room stood a relatively attractive fellow in half a Halloween costume. On the seat next to her was an unknown guy throwing up and a silent girl with a mascara-and-tear streaked face. Another man stood nearby with a bottle of whiskey. None spoke except the two on the couch.

“Why not?” he asked again.

She responded by throwing more cereal at him, but did not attempt to free herself from under his arm. It was chilly, and he smelled pretty good despite the circumstances.

Fed up, both figuratively and literally  (he had finished his hot pockets), the guy took his cereal and left her on the couch.  First of all, she was wasting cereal. Second of all, she wouldn’t even kiss him. He didn’t understand. She had kissed him once, maybe twice, last semester. But now she refused to do anything but dance. Unbeknownst to him, she even regretted that.  Then again, maybe he shouldn’t have come on to her with a mouthful of microwavable food.

The girl then left to wait for a cab and began some version of a shameful walk down a long hill. The weekend had been long with unexpected happenings and embarrassments that she had for years assumed would elude her. But now her neck was sore, her hand burned, her makeup smudged, her hat lost. She had retired her Halloween costume earlier that weekend, and was at least happy with herself for wearing normal clothes. The girl thought of this whilst walking, and also thought of her best friend whom she had left at the house with a guy they both trusted. She had stayed so long to make sure her friend was alright, but figured she must be fine- more than fine probably- and so had decided it was safe to leave. But all of these thoughts left the girl when she heard a rooster crow and felt cold rain fall lightly but steadily. It was time to wake up, and she hadn’t even slept.

Colors of Manipulation (aka a simple rant kind of related to the Twilight books)

“Don’t judge a book by its cover.”

This lesson has been and continues to be taught in schools across the world. But- recall yourself as a child- didn’t you always judge the books by their covers? Weren’t books marketed with bright colors and bold fonts? Everyone knew that the judging, without a doubt, would happen.  Children were not exactly discouraged from this behavior either. Quite often, the colorful book covers would open to reveal delightful and enjoyable stories. Clearly, the method of picking out the prettiest books worked out just fine.

Think about the Twilight series designs- a striking flower or apple on the cover against a black background. The cover design must have played a role in the immense success of the series. Others seemed to share that opinion, as books dubbed “inspirational” to the series by Stephenie Myers (Twilight author) soon began sporting similar covers. For example, Wuthering Heights ( the classic by Emiy Bronte) donned a Twilight-esque cover, with a red flower on the front and a black background with silver letters. New copies of Romeo and Juliet were also given a Twilight-y cover. Kids, no doubt, would go to the Twilight table thinking that these other books were a part of the series, only to later find out that vampires played no part in these great novels.  Kids and adolescents might complain for a moment before realizing that, while the classic novel covers did not clearly specify that they weren’t affiliated with Twilight, they also never specified that they were.

This concept goes back throughout history, of course- with one example being of the Vikings, in particular Eric the Red (father of Leif…I think.)  Eric the Red sailed to a land called Greenland, which, as many know, is mostly glacier. Not too green. To get more settlers to come over from Europe, Eric the Red referred to the land as Greenland in the letters he sent back to Europe. Who would want to come to Glacier land?  Nobody. Naming the land Greenland would draw settlers. Naming the land Greenland, however, is different than saying that the land is green.

Lesson: Don’t lie to people, because avoiding or covering the truth with pretty colors seems to work out fantastically.

(Or you can be totally honest. There’s always that.)

(Also don’t judge books by their covers.)

HOW TO BE AN ASSHOLE IN NINE SIMPLE STEPS

(steps in no particular order)

1. Have a mirror pic selfie as your profile picture.

Smartphones have front facing cameras for a reason. Take a proper selfie or don’t take a selfie at all.  Also, put a shirt on. (Judging myself as well here, I do have bikini pics floating around on my various social media accounts.)

 

2. Complain about how fat you are when you are actually not fat at all.

People who have gained a few barely noticeable pounds might complain about it whilst eating a slice of pepperoni pizza. (I may or may not be referring to myself, sorry for being that annoying person.) Shush yourselves and do some crunches on your own time, nobody who weighs more than you or less than you wants to hear about it- you’ll sound like a jackass.

 

3. Ride a skateboard or other dangerous moving vehicle without a helmet.

Some people have far too much swag for safety, I suppose.

 

4. Wear all designer clothing and then talk about how expensive it is

My wallet in high school was a knockoff , slightly broken “Luis Vuitton” confiscated from a vendor by a police officer.  It even had a knockoff card of authenticity, and it reeked of pleather. Clearly, a person carrying one of those beauties does not want to hear about anyone’s $500 Gucci rain boots.

 

5. Complain that you’re “Soooo pale.” “Omg I need to tan I’m so gross.”

Pale isn’t gross. Skin cancer moles are gross. Many tans are not at all ugly- a nice tan can work wonders for the short-term complexion, of course. Just don’t refer to tanning as a necessary thing of beauty.

 

6. Reasoning for doing something stupid- YOLO

“Come on, you only live once!!” “So, because I have this one life, I should use a part of it to pop a molly? Genius.”  Again, some people just have too much swag.

 

7. Text someone, they answer, you don’t text back.

Really?! YOU texted ME. YOU wanted to talk to ME. Next time how about I don’t answer you at all you ass….

 

8. Twerk

Ah, the objectification of women, and of men- an asshole trait for sure.

 

9. Judge other people by writing a list of “asshole actions”.

One of the final steps one can take in being an asshole is writing a list of alleged asshole qualities, and probably offending people with it.

“Really, what makes you so qualified to tell people what makes them look bad or sound terrible?! “

Answer: “Absolutely nothing.”

 

This is an exaggeration in a conversation between two teenage girls, of course.

The Light Bulb Dilemma

Human nature is a funny thing.  There are clearly defined type A and type B personalities, with countless combinations of the two. Some people are lazy, and others are driven to succeed. It can also be argued that some people strive to enjoy life with as little stress as possible, while others work so hard that they forget to appreciate what’s around them. Some people might change their light bulbs right away, probably the ones leaning more toward type A. These people will make sure their lives are efficient, successful, maybe even adventurous, with every small detail accounted for. The opposite might also be true- people who strive to achieve amidst stress might forget the small details, forgetting about the small but important things like light bulbs.  At any rate, many people will not replace a dead light bulb immediately.

 

What is it about changing light bulbs? It isn’t difficult. It isn’t very expensive. But it brings out, arguably, some of the worst qualities in people. Sloth. Laziness. Forgetfulness. Perhaps even selfishness- neglecting to change a light bulb because it will require effort, even if this small effort will benefit others who occasionally visit or who live with you.  Eventually, of course, the darkened bulb, some how or other, is replaced with one that actually lights up.

 

Every time a fresh, new, light bulb is screwed into a lamp, one thinks it will last forever. The person replacing the light bulb knows in the back of his mind that the light bulb will go out at some point, but still believes that this will be far in the future- so far, in fact, that he never has to worry about changing the bulb again. This is an exaggeration, of course.  But the exaggeration is an enticing one, so there are no spare light bulbs to be found in the house. The replacer of the light bulb does not prepare for the next time the light bulb succumbs to darkness and must be replaced.

 

The light bulb will eventually go out. The light that has been flicked on every day will, all of a sudden, flicker and die. Sitting alone in darkness for a moment or two, the victim of the darkened light bulb will walk across the room and turn on a dim lamp. For the next week, the victim turns on the switch of the dead bulb, out of habit. The week after that, the habit dies, and the victim relies solely on the little lamp at the end of the room, forgetting about the old light source, but not completely. In the back of his mind, the victim always knows that the old light could be replaced; it is just the light bulb that went out. It could be replaced with a fancy energy efficient bulb and shine even brighter. It would be so easy. Just pick up a light bulb at the grocery store. Such minimal effort for such a bright, long lasting light- but the victim only focuses on the short term, the minimal effort that he does not want to make.

 

Alas, the effort is not made for another several weeks. The process of the light bulb again begins, a glorious, bright beginning, and an ending consisting of a month of darkness due to ill preparedness (i.e. lack of spare light bulbs) and procrastination.

 

The light bulb can thus be a metaphor for the human tendency to procrastinate. The light bulb dilemma can represent the human avoidance of  confronting problems to fix them. Humanity, or at least some of it, will instead avoid confrontation and rely on other sources to avoid the specific problem- like the dim lamp at the end of the room.  The lamp doesn’t serve much function, and before the main light died the lamp was just used as decoration.

 

Some people may be inclined to fix their problems immediately while others find it easier to live without a light bulb, thinking only of the short term, thinking only of the immediate effort and not how it will pay off in the long run. The light bulb metaphor has been and can be applied to many aspects of human life, from career difficulties to relationship issues. Take it as you will.

 

HOWEVER, I wrote this mainly because one light bulb in my bathroom went out. I want to replace it, but I consistently neglect to do so. Instead of replacing the light bulb I went through all of this effort to write an essay about light bulbs. What does this say about me?

 

Damn light bulb.

Those Terrible Little Inconveniences, Part One: The Lifecycle of a Lady’s Bag

Everyone, or at least nearly everyone, has had little difficulties amidst fantastic life moments. Often, these difficulties ensue because some of life’s best moments and opportunities present themselves to you when least expected. Therefore proper preparations are not taken.

A woman’s purse is a good demonstration of preparedness. Think back to childhood- wasn’t your mother able to pull anything out of her purse or bag with just a bit of digging? From checks to candy, from pens to stamps, from cash to sunglasses, the woman’s purse has always been a treasure trove of trivial things (and not-so –trivial things.) The woman with a purse full of crap should, in theory, be prepared for anything, and usually is. (Reference any mother who is able to calm a screaming toddler by yanking out seven toys from the depths of the great diaper bag.)

This is, unfortunately, not always the case.

The Purse’s Lifecycle (Weekly)

Purse contents on Monday:

-tampon, even though it’s not that time of the month

-tweezers, even though you don’t need them and probably won’t

-breath mints

-seven lip glosses, a chapstick

-a stick of some brand of lip moisturizer that is not Burt’s Bees but is close enough

-oh look another lip gloss…or is that cheek stain?

-a pad that is whatever size is smaller than maxi, backup for tampon

– a notebook

-mechanical pencil someone lent you about three weeks ago

-wallet (inside of which is money, meal card, license, keys, expired gift cards, library card)

-half full water bottle

-eyeliner that you know you won’t use but brought with you anyway

-concealer, in case a zit attempts to make an appearance on your face

-candy wrappers, left there from chowing down during those short breaks during night classes

Tuesday:

-everything from Monday, except

-there are less breath mints,

-the water was replaced by a bottle of soda

– You took out the eyeliner because it is unnecessary and will be of no help to you in emergencies. Seriously, that crappy eyeliner claims to be waterproof, but smudges to no end. This will only be of use if you are trying to look like a raccoon.

Wednesday:

PURSES ARE SWITCHED, CONTENTS ARE CLEARED.

-Mostly empty purse with phone, wallet, one lip-gloss, one concealer, and maybe some feminine products because, let’s face it, that time of the month could be any time, probably when it is most inconvenient for you.

Thursday

-Same as Wednesday, except there’s more makeup. You woke up late this morning and threw in two lip-glosses, that damn eyeliner, more concealer, and more pens because you didn’t have time to fully do your makeup. The pens are there because you were still half asleep and thought they were eyeliner. Then you realized that you are going to class and will need pens anyway, so left them in the bag. Also, you forgot mascara.

Friday:

Freedom from classes, freedom from a purse/book bag full of crap!

-Sometime between Wednesday morning and Thursday night, more candy wrappers made their way into your bag, as well as two nearly empty soda/water bottles.

-Therefore, you dump out the contents of your purse and take a nap.

Upon waking up, plans for the evening are made. These plans are nothing too exciting, just going over to another dorm to hang out with some friends.  So you put minimal effort into your outfit and your purse. It usually doesn’t matter how much crap you have with you on a casual Friday night. Nor should it really matter, considering it is supposed to be just that: a casual Friday night. You plan to hang with some people, maybe have a few drinks if you are of age, maybe play some poker or an impromptu game of truth or dare.

Therefore, tonight your bag consists of

–       breath mints

–       Wallet, which should be cleared of expired gift cards but isn’t.

–       Phone, which isn’t quite fully charged, but has enough to last a few hours

–       A bottle of soda that you didn’t finish at dinner

C’mon now, what can possibly happen that you will need more than your phone and wallet? You’re just going to meet some friends, no real “hookup prospects.” There is no reason to expect anything, so you don’t. The contents of your bag are a clear demonstration of your lack of expectation.

But one should always expect the unexpected.

College Uncertainties

COLLEGE.

If you haven’t been, I recommend it highly. It is a time to figure out life from relationships to academics. While in college, however, not much is certain. It is a time of “may or may not’s,” as in

I may or may not change my major.

I may or may not be intoxicated right now.

His name may or may not have been Lou.

I may or may not have passed Anatomy.

I may or may not be depressed.

I may or may not want to go with him/her.

I may or may not have gone with him/her.

He may or may not have an STD.

This gets pretty serious.

People are often uncertain about themselves and their actions.

If they are sure of their actions, then they may not be sure if it is an action worth telling or if it is a shameful action- so they keep it vague. “May or may not.”

Maybe some people truly don’t know what to do.

I might change my major…I don’t know.

I really like him but he’s an major d-bag…I don’t know what to do.

But some things are for sure. And if they aren’t for sure, then they should be.

RULES

1. Stick together-know where your friends are at all times, and don’t let “may or may not be intoxicated” friends go off into rooms alone.
2. Know what you’re being handed. Better yet, bring your own stuff. “That jungle juice may or may not have cough syrup in it.” Bad news.
3. Knowing the guys name might be a good idea.  Actually, it IS a good idea.
4. “Let’s just talk in the closet.” DON’T GO IN THE CLOSET- you’re not going to find intellectual conversation in a closet.
5. “I’m stressed out, give me a hug” actually means “make out with me.” Don’t do it. (Well, unless you want to.)
6. Don’t go to Brooklyn with strange men. “Let’s go see this band in Brooklyn.” “Nice to meet you…sooo do you rave? Come to a rave in the city with me.” TOO MUCH. TOO FAST. TOO CREEPY. LEAVE.
7.  If somebody asks you “Hey, sooo…what is the status of your…uhh…V-card?”…WALK AWAY. Don’t answer. If you do, no matter the answer, the next question will inevitably involve going to a random location in Brooklyn, a rave, a house party, somewhere with drugs, or into a closet.
8. Pace yourselves.
9. Take dinner breaks.
10.  Drink lots of water.
11.  Don’t get used, whether it be your body, brain, or meal card.
12.  Rules 8-11 go for everything from academics to relationships to partying to life in general.
13.  If you like someone, just tell him or her. Please. Using a middle-man/wing-man usually doesn’t work. No games. Just tell the person.
14. If the person doesn’t show interest in return, then that person sucks so get over it. (Ok that was a bit harsh. Let me rephrase that. YOU ARE A LOVELY INDIVIDUAL and if the other person can’t/doesn’t see that…then that person sucks so you should get over it. 🙂 …. I realize this sounds easier than it actually is.)
15.  If at any time you feel pressured to do anything, leave the situation or call for help. If a person truly cares about you, then that person would not pressure you to do/try anything.
16.  Study and do your homework and what not…because it’s what college is for and it’s one less regret to have one your mind. Most importantly, this is what will affect your future the most. So, studying is a good idea.
17. Have a good time, and remember these good times (so try not to black out, whether it be from illegal things or from academic/social stress.)

That should just about cover it for now. Be as decisive and sure of yourselves as possible, because it makes life safer and easier.

Vulnerability and Vomit

We all know the type. The guys who are, seemingly always, on top of the world, on top of their game. They know the system, whether it comes to work or women. They know how to charm their way into and out of nearly any situation, whether it be taking a midterm with zero studying or living in some girl’s dorm room for free for nearly two months. Not to mention these charmers always dress well and smell nice, even when living out of a suitcase or stressing out from going through “process” (or whatever its called, I’m not in Greek life) with a fraternity. They always seem to have some women on hand, and this may not be outwardly bragged about, but it is no big secret either. It is simply known. “Yeah, she was hooking up with him about a year ago.” “You wouldn’t think she’d go for it, but yeah she’s been with him a bunch.” “That girl was so pressed on him, but he didn’t want a relationship.” “He played her so bad, kept leading her on, she really hoped he would think of her in a relationship kind of way once she went all the way.”

These top-of-the-world, get-all-the-girls men might also be willing to converse of their ways with you. But, of course, the conversation will be from their perspective.

“I heard she was pressed on you, but you didn’t want a relationship.”

“She really liked me and I didn’t feel the same way.”

“So you just used her for sex?”

“I told her I didn’t want a relationship; she knew the whole time…

I just want to be free and not be tied down…

She’s not exactly my type…

Nice girl, good sex, but I can’t see myself with her…

I’m waiting for the right person to start a relationship with…

I’ve had some bitchy girlfriends in the past I need to get over…

I have issues within myself I need to work out before I start a relationship with others…”

All of the excuses, some of which make sense, some of which may be true. But think, where are these “perfect, relationship-worthy” girls they’re “waiting for”? Do they even exist? Or are these just excuses to make meaningless sex seem more morally acceptable and worth a try?

Either way, these boys are hard to pity. Poor guy, you had a bitchy ex. Better take up that no-strings-attached offer, because you’re not ready for a relationship after what she did to you.

That was sarcastic. Lots of people have had this same problem. Meaningless sexual relations will not fix any self-esteem issues, or make up for the fact that a certain ex was completely terrible and you’re still not over him/her. In other words, don’t speak of self-esteem problems in an attempt to make yourself more relatable, more self-defeating, and less on-top-of-the-world, just as an attempt to garner the attention and understanding of a girl who wants to help.

And by “garner attention” I mean garner sex.

For a minute there a guy who takes 10 minutes to spill his heart’s problems and talk about how he’s really NOT on top of the world might seem like a genuinely good person, but then it always goes back to sex. And the pity thus leaves. What if this is an act?

Coming to the conclusion that it probably is, the girls can move on quickly. He clearly just wants one thing. He’s still on top of the world. Everyone has problems; he’s no exception. He did try to hook up with about five girls that you know of just a week after the special heart-to-heart. See? Same guy from the beginning, through and through.

But…..

Then one night…he cries. Real tears. Well, drunken tears, but real nonetheless. “I’m alone” “People have this idea of me” “It’s not true”

Hmmm…

Still not convincing.

“I’m still not over her. I can’t be with that other girl; I’m still not over her. I can’t deal with this any more. I’m so happy I have a best friend who’s there for me.”

Ok, maybe a little convincing.

This guy is really down, he’ s crashing hard.

And then the guy might throw up, maybe he’ll pass out in a bathroom sink in a frat house.

This very same guy who you wanted to punch in the face for a month you now find yourself taking care of like a small, innocent child. You feel your motherly instincts come out as you rub his back and let him lean on you as you walk to a cab or to another house. How could this poor, innocent, semi-conscious guy be the same one that screwed over so many, including a good friend or yourself? Is he really the same one that spilled his guts to you, only to try other things with you? Maybe he really does deserve pity. Maybe he’s not so bad after all.

But maybe he is.

This guy may be down now, but he will be on top again tomorrow.

He’s down and out right now, but give it a half hour- he may still try to spend the night with you or a friend. Or both.

Everyone has their issues; everyone has their nights filled with emotions and intoxication. And vomit. These things make an always-on-top person seem less so; these degrading things that come with crazy nights and pent up esteem problems have a way of making a high-on-life man seem vulnerable. The contrast between the normal high-on-life attitude and the all of a sudden hard crash into a state of vomit and vulnerability intrigues women. Seeing men vulnerable and being able to take care of them is…well…. a turn on. But please be aware that these vulnerable, passed out guys are going to be (or at least act) on top of the world tomorrow.

Don’t Tell My Girlfriend…

A few nights ago, a normal Wednesday night, I received a Facebook message from a boy whom I had only met once. This boy happened to be the boyfriend of a good friend of mine. I immediately found this strange. Usually, any Facebook messages I receive past 1 A.M. are from guys who are either friends with me or who are only looking for some kind of late night hook-up. (This is especially true concerning drunk messages.)  My friend’s boyfriend’s messages to me started off with a funny reference from a story I had told him, to which I responded with the ever-so-overused “lol.” He then said

“I’m drunk.

Sara, let me tell you something.”

Uh oh. I thought to myself.

Should I even bother responding?

Probably not.

But I didn’t need to respond, because he messaged me again.

“Ok,” he said. “Don’t tell my girlfriend.”

OH JESUS

OH NO

STOP MESSAGING ME

I feared the worst. Cheating in relationships is not exactly uncommon.

“I’m very drunk,” the boy continued.

This surely won’t end well now, I thought.

“and……….

I love my girlfriend.

SO much.

She’s such a good girl.

Really. A genuinely good person and such a good girlfriend.”

I responded with something along the line of “omg the truest of loves how adorable!”

“Seriously I love her a lot djalngan (I don’t know what that word was supposed to be)

i just felt the need to

tell someone lol

it amplifies

 my love

when i drunk”

     My fear of this boy attempting to cheat on my friend had completely subsided. Even in his intoxicated state, this boy was a completely faithful boyfriend, proclaiming his love through Facebook messages. These are the kinds of relationships people should be in; relationships where trust, faith, and love exist no matter what kind of state the couple is in past 1 A.M. on a Wednesday night.

Although I’m still not quite sure why I’m not allowed to tell his girlfriend.

Oh well, she’ll know now.

Cheers to a good relationship.